About IBD Podcast Episode 195 - How You Can Improve Intimacy When Living With IBD Featuring Dr Stacy Friedman

How You Can Improve Intimacy When Living With IBD — About IBD Podcast Episode 195

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The bedroom can be a place of anxiety for people of all genders living with inflammatory bowel disease (IBD). How can you boost your confidence and deepen your connection with your partner while living with IBD? Dr. Stacy Friedman is a clinical sexologist and intimacy coach living with ulcerative colitis. She explains how IBD affects intimacy, body image, dating, and relationships. Dr. Stacy shares her personal experiences and professional advice, with a focus on communication, trust, and how to know if a partner will be supportive. In this episode, we talk about why intimacy is more than sex and give tips about how to manage challenges. Dr. Stacy also encourages listeners to seek out support and embrace connection in the ways that work for them.

Key Topics

  • Impact of inflammatory bowel disease (IBD) on intimacy and relationships
  • Personal experiences of living with ulcerative colitis
  • Effects of IBD on mental health and body image
  • Communication and trust in relationships for individuals with IBD
  • Navigating dating and intimacy challenges related to IBD
  • Importance of open discussions about medical conditions with partners
  • Strategies for building supportive and understanding relationships
  • Redefining intimacy beyond sexual intercourse
  • Role of sex coaching versus sex therapy in addressing intimacy issues
  • Resources and support available for individuals seeking to improve intimacy and relationships while managing IBD

Timestamps

  • 00:00 — Introduction and Episode Overview
  • 03:10 — Dr. Stacy’s IBD Journey
  • 05:30 — Sex and Intimacy Coaching Explained
  • 07:44 — Body Image and IBD
  • 09:59 — Fear, Embarrassment, and Communication
  • 12:26 — Intimacy Beyond Sex
  • 14:32 — Communication and Relationship Dynamics
  • 17:18 — Trust and Emotional Safety in Relationships
  • 17:49 — Embracing Unpredictability
  • 20:38 — Disclosing IBD or Ostomy to Partners
  • 22:53 — Personal Stories of Disclosure
  • 25:12 — Sex Coach vs. Sex Therapist
  • 27:09 — Who Benefits from Sex Coaching
  • 28:51 — Getting Started with Sex Coaching
  • 30:43 — Changing Mindsets About Intimacy
  • 31:32 — What to Expect from Coaching Sessions
  • 33:37 — Resources and The Purple Passion Project
  • 35:13 — Pelvic Floor Therapy and Additional Support
  • 36:54 — Closing Remarks and Appreciation
  • 38:01 — Outro and Credits

Get Dr Stacy’s book “Confessions & Lessons of a Sexpert: The Ultimate Guide to Intimacy and Better Sex“

Find Dr Stacy Friedman on:

Find Amber J Tresca at:

Find Mac Cooney (mix, sound design, and theme music) at:

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Transcript

Amber Tresca 00:00  Hey everyone, it’s Amber. This episode is about intimacy and relationships, so it is meant for mature audiences. If you want to listen to it with your teens, I recommend that you listen to it first. If this topic isn’t for you, that’s okay. I will catch you next time. Okay, on to the show.

I’m Amber Tresca and this is about IBD. I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis as a teen and had pouch surgery ten years later. Now I help people with Crohn’s disease and ulcerative colitis understand their disease and feel seen on About IBD. You’ll get real talk on symptoms, treatment, and life with IBD straight from patients, caregivers and experts. You’ll learn, feel less alone, and even have a laugh along the way. Doctor Stacy Friedman is a clinical sexologist, certified sex and intimacy coach and the unapologetically bold host of the Purple Passion Project. With 26 plus years in the medical field and 20 plus years working in the sexuality field. Doctor Stacy helps people break down taboos, communicate clearly, and build hotter, healthier intimacy without shame.

Amber Tresca 01:21  She works with all aspects of sexuality but specializes in mismatch sex drives, alternative lifestyles, women who experience painful sex, low libido, and the LGBTQ community. Known for blending expertise with humor and heart. Doctor Stacy makes conversations about sex feels safe, real, and seriously empowering. Her motto is my passion is to help you create yours. Doctor Stacy, welcome to About IBD.

Dr Stacy Friedman 01:56  Thank you. And I’m really not that funny, even though I do add some humor. I appreciate you having me on, on a very important subject that many people need to hear about. So thank you.

Amber Tresca 02:12  I agree so much and I do think you’re very funny. At least.

Dr Stacy Friedman 02:16  That’s right. I’ve left quite a bit already, so and.

Amber Tresca 02:22  I don’t know this is a topic. Our topic today is intimacy and IBD. as listeners might have already guessed, and this includes how our symptoms affect our mental health and our relationship with our sexual partners. And it is both.

Dr Stacy Friedman 02:37  A.

Amber Tresca 02:38  Laughing matter and a not laughing matter at the same time.

Amber Tresca 02:42  So but we are going to talk about all of these different things because Doctor Stacey is an expert and we connected on threads. first off, anyone who’s not on threads highly recommend. It’s a really unique space and we connected because I was looking for other podcasters, as I always am. And you said, hey, guess what? I also live with Ulcerative colitis. And so I’m wondering if you could tell me a little bit more about that.

Dr Stacy Friedman 03:10  Joy. Joy. So yeah. And to think, I thought we were going to talk about the juicy stuff, but no, I.

Amber Tresca 03:17  Know.

Dr Stacy Friedman 03:17  I know. But seriously though, I had gotten diagnosed with, you see, in God, I was probably 15 or 16 years old and I’m 54 right now, so I’ve been living with it for a very, very long time. And I know that a lot of, intimacy issues came up. A lot of, personal relationship issues, dating issues. I mean, it affects every single aspect of your life, but I have dealt with a lot of embarrassing moments, a lot of situations dating people, a lot of people not understanding.

Dr Stacy Friedman 03:51  And it’s been it’s been a struggle. But Once I started getting into the field of intimacy and sexuality, I realized that there’s so many medical issues that affect sex and relationships, and this is just one that I can say, you know, yes, I’ve been there, done that, I understand, and how can I help you?

Amber Tresca 04:13  Yeah, I love that. And one of the things that, I’ve talked about before on this podcast, and with other folks is that. Yeah. Like you said, and I say that all the time to IBD affects every single aspect of our lives, and maybe some more than others. I think sex and intimacy is maybe a little outsized because the, let’s see if I get this right. The, the waste factory is next to the funhouse, so it’s right.

Dr Stacy Friedman 04:44  Right. Exactly. I’m thinking of, like, Willy Wonka on the Chocolate factory. Now, you know you got me. Oh, the wrong place, wrong place, wrong the wrong place.

Amber Tresca 04:54  Wrong place.

Amber Tresca 04:55  Chocolate. Yeah. No, but like. But because those things are, you know, close to just, you know, they’re close together. And so it’s just natural that they affect, one another. Right. You are a sex and intimacy coach, right? And I, I knew your profession existed. Okay. but that’s that’s about as far as it as it goes. So, I’m thinking about, like, how do you answer the question when you go to, like, a party or something and somebody asks you, what do you do? And how did you get into your profession? Like, how do you answer that question?

Dr Stacy Friedman 05:30  Well, it’s funny because I usually don’t bring it up right away unless I’m with my husband and he’s just like, guess what my wife does? You know, it’s like, okay, give me give him a second to actually know who I am before I scare the crap out of me, you know? Right. because it’s it’s definitely a taboo subject. And when people find out what I do, the first thing is they go.

Dr Stacy Friedman 05:51  Wait, What? You know. What did you say? Yeah. So I’m. You know, I don’t do therapy, which is a little bit more of the mental aspect. The coaching is more of the, sexual health, sexual skill building, connection, actual activities, that type of thing where you’re kind of moving forward versus trying to process through, you know, anxiety, depression, all that kind of stuff. and I just tell people right away, I just help individuals and couples have better intimacy, hotter sex, and help them with any type of issues or concerns that they have. Because I work with people that are individuals as well as a couple, so you don’t have to be, you know, in a relationship to get support. And I just start talking and the next thing I know, everybody has told me their entire life story about sex and intimacy up into the, what did you call the backside? The, factory, the the back factory.

Amber Tresca 06:49  The waste factory?

Dr Stacy Friedman 06:50  Yeah, the ways factory.

Dr Stacy Friedman 06:51  The fun factory. I hear everything about everything as soon as people know what I do. So they just. They just, you know, word vomit, everything. But it’s great because that’s one of the things that I think makes me as good as I am with my job. Is that or my career is that I’m relatable and people feel very comfortable sharing everything with me.

Amber Tresca 07:14  It is a blessing and a curse, right? Because, because it makes you good at your job. But it also means that every time you go to a party, there’s probably somebody that is looking for some, pro bono everybody’s talking about.

Dr Stacy Friedman 07:31  But you know what the hard part is that I love what I do, and I love talking about what I do and the subject matter. So I’m kind of like, everyone’s like, oh, well, I don’t want to have to. No, no. Talk to me, talk to me. Let’s go. Come on. I want to hear the information.

Amber Tresca 07:44  So, as we have already just briefly said, people with IBD may be struggling in their intimate lives.

Amber Tresca 07:52  I know you’re not a stranger to that. I’m not a stranger to that. And we can’t cover everything. But there’s I think there’s a few common things that we can go over and get people to a place to start thinking about this, and also to understand that there’s help available. I think that’s one of the biggest things I want to impart today. So the first thing is body image, because people with IBD, it’s it’s a huge thing. There’s a lot of research on it. People with IBD are often dissatisfied with their bodies for just so many reasons. And so I’m wondering, in your experience, how does a poor body image affect your intimate life?

Dr Stacy Friedman 08:29  I mean, just in general, bad body image is huge. And then to add some of these things, whether you have a bag or not, there’s still that that worry. I mean, your body stops feeling like a source of pleasure and it’s like almost like like a liability. Like what’s going to happen next? You know what? If I add something to this, you know, people will start like sucking in their stomach because the bloating makes them feel crappy and kind of gets them out of that arousal arousal process.

Dr Stacy Friedman 08:59  maybe avoiding certain positions because you’re afraid. Oh, I might, you know, fart, or I might feel like I have to poo, or, you know, how their body might look at a certain angle, or if they have a bag, how is it going to look? How is it going to smell? But if it, you know, all these kind of questions, keep the lights off, keep the lights on. it definitely takes a hit for many people. And so, you know, especially also if you’re having pain too, people just get disconnected from their body. So one of the things that I help with is just kind of getting people in tune with their body, without the focus of all the other junk that kind of comes around and, focusing on the pleasure aspect. We don’t focus on pleasure. We’re just focused on what our body is doing or not doing.

Amber Tresca 09:44  Right. And that and that makes sense. that makes sense. And then, as you were saying, there’s so much fear and worry, fear of embarrassment over something like, you know, you’re super bloated.

Amber Tresca 09:59  I have a, I have a J pouch due to all sorts of colitis. So, yeah, the control is not the same as it is for somebody who does not have, these issues. So there’s embarrassment there. There’s fear of being rejected, and it comes up with dating. But I also hear people talking about it with their long term partners. And so I’m wondering what what how can this fear affect your relationship? I think either whether you express it or not, it can affect your relationship.

Dr Stacy Friedman 10:34  Oh, yeah. I mean, it doesn’t just stop sex. It it stops honesty because the more afraid that you are, the less you’re able to just be open and say, okay, my stomach is feeling this way, or I feel like I have to poo, or we have to stop what we’re doing because of this or for that. You know, a lot of times I remember when I was going through because whenever stress hit me, that’s when I would have all my relapses, obviously.

Dr Stacy Friedman 10:56  And I went through a divorce and had to go through dating again. And, you know, when you just meet someone, you don’t want to say, oh God, I just had diarrhea. I have to go change my pants, you know? Then they’re like, oh, what the hell? You know, it’s it is. I mean, it’s it’s tricky, but you have to just say, listen, if I am going out dating, first of all, the dating aspect, I want to be with someone who’s going to appreciate me no matter what. And so you want to obviously try to do your best where maybe you don’t eat as certain foods that might be risky. Or maybe if the bathroom is unfamiliar at a certain place you may not want to sleep over or things like that. But I always told, like with my husband now I said to him, I said right away, the first time I met him, I said, if you can’t be with a woman who farts or has belly itch issues.

Dr Stacy Friedman 11:47  I am not the woman for you. Okay? and a lot of people get turned off by that. But I knew I wanted someone who was going to appreciate me for me and that long term relationships. I’ve been with my husband for 13.5 years. And, you know, I will say to him, you know, my stomach is bothering me because I ate the wrong food or, I can’t have sex right now because if you touch my stomach, it’s I’m afraid of what’s going to happen. You have to be open to sharing, and that doesn’t mean intimacy has to stop. You can still kiss, make out, touch.

Amber Tresca 12:26  Well, yeah. And that’s a really salient point, is that we’re using this. We’re using this word intimacy. And for anyone who’s listening and not watching, I’m using I’m doing the air quotes. And we do that because I made a decision in the beginning of my podcasting journey that I wanted the content to be available to everyone, although for this episode, I would recommend maybe listening before you let anybody, you know, younger listen to it.

Amber Tresca 12:58  but the point being that when we’re talking about intimacy, it doesn’t just mean sex. Yeah. Yes. It doesn’t just mean P and V, like, that’s what people think when you say.

Dr Stacy Friedman 13:12  That.

Amber Tresca 13:13  So much more.

Dr Stacy Friedman 13:13  Yes, that’s that’s exactly right. And so there’s been many times where when right away people might be like, no, I’m not in the mood. Well are you not in the mood because your stomach is bothering you or you’re feeling bloated and that kind of stuff, or you’re not in the mood because you’re truly just not in the mood for sex, but you’re okay to be in the mood for hugging, kissing, touching. And that’s where that whole issue is, because especially in long term relationships, a lot of people will feel guilty for maybe needing to pause or needing to change their plans or whatever it is. And that sometimes leads to silence instead of communication. And they’re afraid of that embarrassment. And that’s when you have to say, listen, I’m just not feeling that great.

Dr Stacy Friedman 13:55  But I still want to connect. How about we give each other a massage or I give you a massage? Or maybe we take a shower and I can help take care of you or something like that. You can still be intimate, right?

Amber Tresca 14:07  Yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Yeah. There’s there’s yeah, there’s there’s more ways to be close and to be right intimate than I think we tend to think about. And again, I think popular culture might have a lot to do with that. You know, and I will say, like my husband and I have been married 20 I have to think for a second. Okay.

Dr Stacy Friedman 14:28  Right, right, right.

Amber Tresca 14:32  I’ve been I’ve been married 25 years. and so we actually have shorthand or code. so that, you know, I don’t have to actually say certain words like, we’ve worked it out when I say this, that’s this is what this means, right? You know, and like that has really worked out for us.

Dr Stacy Friedman 14:53  It’s communication.

Dr Stacy Friedman 14:54  It’s really just understanding that. Listen, if it was anything else, if it was diabetes, if it was a heart issue, you know, if you’re like, okay, my heart’s really pounding because I have heart issue. Your partner be like, okay, we don’t want you having a heart attack, but you want to talk about, you know, you start talking about bowel. Everyone gets ashamed or embarrassed. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. And there’s a lot of people that don’t like to talk about bowel movements because it’s early or whatever. But when you’re talking about long term relationships, you have to have those conversations. But even dating, you need to be able to say, listen, I do have this issue. Sometimes it does affect this, this or this. Are you open to someone that might have an issue? Oh, God, I don’t want to deal with that. Okay. Bye bye.

Amber Tresca 15:39  Total deal breaker. Yeah, which can be very sad and upsetting. But I think it also makes the case for having this kind of open communication.

Amber Tresca 15:51  Absolutely. Earlier in your relationship versus later.

Dr Stacy Friedman 15:54  Yeah. Yeah. That way you know what you’re getting into. And that way you don’t have to worry about it later on. Where. Oh I didn’t know about this. You know, I mean, I, I, I had a very good first marriage. but there was a lot of things. I remember when my stomach was in a bad place and I had to do something my partner would like, look at me and be like, oh, God, you have to do that here. I’m like, okay, sometimes I can’t make it to a bathroom.

Amber Tresca 16:19  I don’t have a choice.

Dr Stacy Friedman 16:20  You know, don’t shame me for for my medical disease, you know? Right.

Amber Tresca 16:27  Yeah. And, you know, I think about, like, back on, like, certain boyfriends that I had. I’ll never forget when I was in college and I was working with somebody, and she looked at me and she says, so this guy you’re dating right now is he is he is he Mr..

Amber Tresca 16:41  Right now or is he Mr.. Forever. And it was so funny because I was like, I don’t know, 19, 20 years old. I was like, I wasn’t even thinking about that. And then I it, it probably only took me a minute, but I was like, yeah, he’s Mr. right now because I knew my future might include very serious medical decisions and problems, which it did, and I knew he wasn’t going to be there for that. Yeah, was sad, but.

Dr Stacy Friedman 17:07  But you know what? It might have been sad, but you opened the door to something that was meant to be and will be there for your future.

Amber Tresca 17:18  100%, you know. And that brings me around to trust, because that was one of the things that I realized, in certain dating relationships that I, that I didn’t have and I so I wasn’t communicating because I didn’t have that trust. So how can people with IBD think about trust and and and make sure that they’re dating somebody that they can trust and that is emotionally safe for them?

Dr Stacy Friedman 17:49  You know, and that’s a difficult thing, especially if you’re just dating.

Dr Stacy Friedman 17:52  You don’t know necessarily if you can trust the person or how the person is going to be, but what that person needs to know, that safe partner needs to not have you be predictable. Because if, in other words, for them to be there to support you, they need to know that sometimes if you’re out at Disney World or you’re in a mall, you might have to stop what you’re doing at that second at that moment and do something else. And they need to be okay with the unpredictability, period. They can’t get mad at you if you go every time you go into it, because I know with me, every time I go into a store, for some reason, I go into a store. I have to take a poop. I just ignore the bathroom. It’s like I think it was like some PTSD from when I was younger and I would have accidents at stores. But every time I go into a store, so I, you know, my husband is just kind of like, you have to go in again.

Dr Stacy Friedman 18:51  And he kind of makes a joke about it. But you have to make sure that that person knows that you may be unpredictable, and maybe they can give you like, little micro moments of trustworthy kind of statements like, let’s say, what would feel good tonight for you if you’re going out to dinner? My husband knows I can’t walk for 20 minutes on a beach right after dinner, because if I walk directly after dinner, I’m not going to make it. I have to make sure I’m near a bathroom. I need to rest my stomach, let it digest. so those little things like, you know, asking those questions, someone who won’t take it personally, that doesn’t joke or minimize it, you know, and that’s just someone that listens to try to want to make it better. What can I do for you?

Amber Tresca 19:33  I love that, and you boiled it down so succinctly that a partner needs to be willing to embrace unpredictability. Yeah, like I love that. That’s so good. Yeah. Oh my gosh.

Amber Tresca 19:46  Yeah.

Dr Stacy Friedman 19:48  I just gave myself goosebumps.

Amber Tresca 19:51  Right. I have them as well. Yes. Up next, some advice on when you should talk to a dating partner about your IBD or your ostomy. Doctor Stacy. So we all have to decide for ourselves. When is a good time to talk to a dating partner or an intimate partner about living with IBD, about symptoms, about things like maybe having a ileostomy or something like that. Do you have any advice for people about how they can open up that conversation, or when they should open up that conversation?

Dr Stacy Friedman 20:38  Yeah, I mean, that is definitely a conversation that is nerve wracking to have when you just go out with someone. But because it is something so personal, it’s like, you know, do you tell someone you first meet on day one that you have herpes or something like that, you know, and you don’t have to share something like that on day one? I think that first of all you want to know, is this person potentially going to be someone in my life? I don’t feel that there’s anything wrong with sharing.

Dr Stacy Friedman 21:03  Yeah. I have, you know, ulcerative colitis, I have Crohn’s or whatever. but if you know that you’re going to be intimate, I definitely recommend doing it or sharing it before intimacy. So that way you know where that person stands. But, you know, just asking to say, listen, you know, this is I told you earlier that this is what I have. And would you be comfortable or not with someone that has, you know, a procedure that has a bag? And one thing to preface it by is that if you go online, there’s so many places that sell decorative things to a bag cover or a strap around the stomach or whatever it is. So that way it’s hidden. If you’re uncomfortable, it could be decorative. You may not even notice it. I could wear a thing around my stomach, so it makes them a little more comfortable with it. But I think that that conversation should happen, at least in the after the first few dates. So that way that you know what that person’s going to be worthwhile sticking around with.

Amber Tresca 22:04  Yeah for sure. And I only had because I had two separate pouch surgeries. So I only had an ileostomy for three months. It was just such a short amount of time. But I’ll tell you, like, you know, lingerie was my friend, you know, like I found something that there wasn’t. It was 1999. So it was, you know, there wasn’t a lot.

Dr Stacy Friedman 22:20  But unawares. Come on.

Amber Tresca 22:22  I was gonna say that was, you know, that was what I went for. And that wasn’t something that I had previously, but then I was like, oh, okay, now I see the utility of this and, you know, and it was fine. And I don’t even like, remember having any problems during that time. So but but it was a short amount of time. But another story. I had a gal on this show and she told the story on this show, so I can relate it again now and then put a link to it. she has an ileostomy due to ulcerative colitis and she was dating.

Multiple Speakers 22:53  Somebody replied to one of my stories over something. We started talking again, and then we ended up going out on a date and that first date, because I wasn’t sure how much medical kind of history I wanted to share. I did let him know that I had had surgery and I was super sick a couple months prior, and I was still kind of, you know, recovering, gaining weight, that sort of thing, but didn’t really allude at all to the ostomy or the stoma itself just because I, you know, kind of wanted to see how he was as a person. We continued hanging out. We went on multiple dates and stuff and then I still never said anything and it came along where it was. You know, we were about to become intimate, and I didn’t want to just randomly pause and explain, so I didn’t. I just went for it. And then he was like, you know, hand went in like on my stomach. And obviously it’s there. And he’s like, oh, like, what’s this? And I was like, oh, it’s just because of my surgery.

Multiple Speakers 24:00  Like it’s just from my surgery. And he was like, oh, okay. Like, can you take it off? And I was like, no, it has to stay on at all times. You want it on? Yeah. So then he’s just like, okay. So I remember like a few weeks later I got a text from him and he was like, is the thing on your stomach and ostomy? And in my head I was like, oh, no, like I should have just told him. But anyways, I replied, I was like, yeah, it is. And then he was like, why didn’t you just tell me? And I was like, honestly, I don’t know, but now you know. And that was that. And yeah. Anyways, so we started dating. It’s never been a thing at all. He is super like, supportive and proud of all the things that I’ve been doing, like for like and.

Amber Tresca 24:42  He was like, yeah, I don’t recommend that.

Amber Tresca 24:43  It worked out fine. but she was like, yeah, I don’t recommend that. Maybe I should have told him beforehand. So yeah.

Dr Stacy Friedman 24:50  Anyway, I can’t control how someone’s going to react in the heat of the moment like that, does it? What the is that? Yeah.

Amber Tresca 24:59  Turns out no, you’re the keeper. But yeah.

Dr Stacy Friedman 25:03  Yeah. No that’s that’s great. But yeah, those conversations are important because you want to be with someone you know, that you can trust. So that way it doesn’t ruin your intimacy.

Amber Tresca 25:12  So Doctor Stacy, you’re clear. You already were very clear about the idea that you’re a sex coach, not a sex therapist. And I think that’s a super important distinction when people are thinking about what they need and they’re looking for help. So. But you can. Can you dig into that a little bit more and let me know what the difference is between those two things?

Dr Stacy Friedman 25:32  Yeah, absolutely. you know, I have a degree in coaching and I have a doctorate in human sexuality, and I help people figure out how to get from where they are now to where they want to be.

Dr Stacy Friedman 25:44  Like like a soccer coach, you know, you know how to play ball. You know how to play soccer, but you need the the skills to work together as a team to get the ball on the goal, to figure out how to kick the ball. So it’s basically that kind of thing is what a coach is doing. So I’m coaching people how to, for example, to relate it to what we’re talking about, learning how to talk about bowel symptoms and sex without killing the mood, learning how to rebuild confidence about intimacy after maybe, issues that you have after surgery or just exploring pleasure that doesn’t rely on the penetration or performance where the therapy is a little bit more about processing the trauma you dealt with when you found out you had the disorder, disease, or working through that deep rooted shame that you have because of you being made fun of and all this kind of stuff. So that’s kind of the difference between the therapy aspect. And I like to give lots of fun tools and tips and tricks for people to move forward and how to navigate the dating and all that kind of stuff that empowers people.

Dr Stacy Friedman 26:48  So that’s like the it’s about helping people live and love right now, and not just someday.

Amber Tresca 26:54  Right.

Dr Stacy Friedman 26:54  Right.

Amber Tresca 26:55  Yeah, that makes total sense. I’m also wondering too, though, like, what are what like what are some situations that are best suited for sex coaching. Like what are some of the issues that you help your clients through?

Dr Stacy Friedman 27:09  well, obviously some of my specialties, like you mentioned earlier in the bio, is the mismatched sex drives. it’s not just mismatched sex drives. It’s also sex timing because you might have the exact same drive, but the timing doesn’t work. The timing is mismatched. So I help couples that are kind of stuck in that. You know, if I do this, then they pull away. But then when they do this, they pull away that mismatched kind of situation. maybe a woman who hasn’t felt sexual in a years because her body’s been feeling, bad with medical issues or pelvic pain or painful sex or just shame, things like that. After flare ups, for example.

Dr Stacy Friedman 27:52  people that, you know, dating, I do the dating coaching. So people who are terrified to date because they don’t know how or when to disclose that they have some type of a disorder or disease and, and just people that want intimacy back, that just want it to look different than it looks now, basically just rewriting the intimacy so their body is not the enemy. Yeah.

Amber Tresca 28:13  Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And I think that there’s probably a lot of people with IBD who are hearing themselves in in those types of situations and knowing that help is available is is is really great. But, I think there’s that initial barrier that we all need to get through in that talking about sex is difficult. Talking about IBD is difficult. And so for the person who’s like, yeah, okay, I have one of these situations, okay. There is a person that can help me or us with that. like how can they get started?

Dr Stacy Friedman 28:51  Well, I think first is knowing that you don’t need a perfect plan.

Dr Stacy Friedman 28:57  Okay? I mean, it starts just from a starting point. You just have to start. And a lot of people just don’t know where to start. And I say, call me, let’s. I say call me. I do offer a 15 minute consults that are complimentary so we can talk to see what it’s all about. But I think talking to their partner is one of the most important things because we’re lacking so much of that, you know, communication and just being honest and just saying, I want intimacy or I want to be closer or change. I’m just scared or I’m not really sure how to present it to you. And just having someone that normalizes the experience instead of mythologizing it because we are not our disease or disorder, you know, and we need to know that talking to a professional can help. Talking to your partner, giving your yourself permission to explore connection without that performance. Because we are such a performance based society and we forget that that sex and intimacy and connection is all about pleasure.

Dr Stacy Friedman 30:01  And if we.

Amber Tresca 30:02  Yeah, that’s totally true.

Dr Stacy Friedman 30:03  Yeah, yeah. If we could just get rid of that mindset, people could open up just saying okay, well yeah, okay, I have these issues, but I can do other things.

Amber Tresca 30:13  Yeah. It doesn’t have to look like What, like somebody else’s relationship or you know, what you’ve seen and we we we don’t actually talk about these things. I mean, maybe sometimes, like with your girlfriends or whatever, right. You know, but, but that’s about it. So when it comes to, like, the spectrum of normal or typical, like, I feel like we don’t even know what that we don’t even know what that is because we don’t ever talk about it.

Dr Stacy Friedman 30:43  Right? And we’re so stuck with the relationship that we’re having with our body and what the body is not doing for us, and we’re just so focused on that. But that doesn’t disqualify you for, you know, allowing yourself that pleasure or desire or connection. It’s just asking for a different type of intimacy.

Dr Stacy Friedman 31:01  And that’s kind of what we have to change our mindset for and just say, how do we work with what we have and what kind of intimacy can we change it to?

Amber Tresca 31:10  Well that’s.

Dr Stacy Friedman 31:11  Perfect.

Amber Tresca 31:11  Yeah. And so all right, you offer like 15 minute sessions and then I’m assuming you have a spectrum of other offerings that you have. And so I want to let people know like a little bit about what that looks like, like take away some of the mystery. So can you tell me what that is like when you start with a new client or someone or a prospective client?

Dr Stacy Friedman 31:32  Yeah. I mean, obviously, like I said, the 15 minute consult just kind of figures out what you’re looking for, what you need. I do have a couple of packages that actually offer a transformation because we’re not, you know, if someone needs one session just to ask, like Q&A and things like that, I can do that. but most people come to me for transformation. They want change. They want results.

Dr Stacy Friedman 31:55  You’re not going to get a result in 1 or 2 sessions, because we have to really get into what do you need, especially if you’re in a relationship, because it’s not just there’s there’s three situations. It’s you, your partner and then the relationship. So it takes a little bit longer. So depending on what your needs are we have two packages. And then after that if you still need extra support, then there’s like the single package, the single sessions. So it really just depends on what you’re looking for help with. But each session, we always like to leave with some type of an action plan, something that you can do, something you can bring home and work on, and that way you actually see progress. And that’s the important thing, is seeing that transformation, even if it’s something as simple as learning how to communicate better. I’ve written 15 ebooks and I just am getting ready to put them out, but I let someone read it to see what their thoughts were, and they literally wrote me today and saying that it transformed their intimacy because she had had trauma growing up, abuse, and it helped her.

Dr Stacy Friedman 32:59  Just something like an e-book was a start to just communicating different with her new with her relationship. And she said that that changed everything. So sometimes it doesn’t take a lot to make that change. That change.

Amber Tresca 33:13  Yeah. And, you know, to that end, I was actually going to ask you if you had, written any books. So thank you for bringing that. and so I want you to tell us also more about the Purple Passion Project. You have a blog. You obviously are available for coaching sessions. How can people engage with you and find these offerings?

Dr Stacy Friedman 33:37  Well, first of all, everywhere on the internet, all social media. My website is Doctor Stacy freedman.com. There’s no E in my name, but I’m on TikTok. I do lives where I have a lot of Q and A. I also am building an app where I’m going to have a community, so that’s something that will be available very soon. I have, all of the ebooks. I have another book on Amazon which everything can be found on my doctor, Stacey Freedman.

Dr Stacy Friedman 34:04  Com including the blog and the podcast is called The Purple Passion Project. It airs every Monday evening at 7 p.m. eastern, and its on most of the major streaming platforms like, Spotify, YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, things like that. It’s all about sex and intimacy. And I have guests. And then starting this new year, I’m actually going to start doing some of my own on just me answering questions, which will be kind of cool.

Amber Tresca 34:34  Oh my gosh, do you have a, platform or like, are you accepting questions or are you going to go through, like, you know, an FAQ or something?

Dr Stacy Friedman 34:43  I might do a little thing where I send out email so people want to be part of the email list. I offer tons of freebies all the time. They can go to Doctor Stacy friedman.com, and it’ll be a pop up that says, you know, do you want to be part of the email list? So I’m going to be going through that and asking people to answer, to ask some questions and go through that as well, because I think that not everybody wants to listen to interviews all the time.

Dr Stacy Friedman 35:07  And I thought that it’s kind of cool to change it up a little bit. So I’m going to do that in my my new year.

Amber Tresca 35:13  I love your show because the topics that you cover are really like like I was listening to the one on Pelvic Health and you had a I believe she was a pelvic floor therapist. Yeah, absolutely. I like plus she, she does like a lot. You know she’s incredible as well. I mean and when I tell you I didn’t know about pelvic floor therapy until probably just a few years ago when I had someone on my show who was a pelvic floor therapist. okay. She is the founder of Intimate Rows. And then finally, I got my urologist to refer me to a pelvic floor therapist for me to actually. And life changing.

Dr Stacy Friedman 35:54  Yeah, yeah, life can be life changing. Absolutely. And like you said, a lot of people don’t know about it. And putting it out there is helpful.

Amber Tresca 36:03  That’s the thing. So you don’t know what you don’t know.

Amber Tresca 36:05  So you don’t know that there’s help available for these things, and that someone like you has made all this information so accessible. which I appreciate so much. And I also love that, the idea of podcasts is that you nobody will ever know unless you’re on good paths. Nobody will ever know what you’re listening to or watching. So, like, listen to all of it, read all of it, engage with all of it, take in all the information and see what helps you, and then and then go from there. So I just, I, you know, I love that you’re making so much available.

Dr Stacy Friedman 36:40  No, I appreciate that. And as as for you too, because people don’t talk about issues that we have enough in relationship to intimacy and sex. So it’s important to kind of know that just because you have this doesn’t mean you can’t have that.

Amber Tresca 36:54  Yeah, 100% for sure. We want everybody to have the best sex available to them. So. Okay. So, Doctor Dr Stacy Friedman, you know, thanks for reaching out to me on threads.

Amber Tresca 37:11  It was a total stranger to you, and we connected. And you said yes to me pretty much right away. And I really appreciate that. And I love your content. I’m going to be sending people towards it, I think, all of the time, because when people ask me these kinds of questions, I don’t know. and so you’re you are the person, to answer them. And you’re a member of the IBD community as well, which I think, like it’s like it shouldn’t be a big deal, but it kind of is. Well, it’s because you understand it’s on a different level.

Dr Stacy Friedman 37:42  Yes, absolutely, absolutely. And that’s why I say a lot of people, I’ve been through a lot in my life, and a lot of the information that I share is because I’ve been through it as well. Not just education, but personally.

Amber Tresca 37:54  Yeah. So thank you so much.

Dr Stacy Friedman37:56  Thank you. I appreciate you having me on.

Amber Tresca 38:01  Hey super listener, check the show notes to find links and information about the topics discussed in this episode, plus get a written transcript and much more on my website About IBD.

Amber Tresca 38:13  If you enjoyed this episode, please consider sharing it with someone else or leaving a rating in your podcast app. Reviews and ratings help me grow this show and bring you more great content. Thanks for listening and remember, until next time, I want you to know more about IBD.

About IBD is a production of Mal and Tal Enterprises.

It is written, produced, and directed by me, Amber Tresca.

Mix and sound design is by Mac Cooney.

Theme music is from Cooney Studio. 

Dr Stacy Friedman 38:50  And that’s what I would say. Hey, you have some. You want me to, you know, a little bit. I don’t mind doing it.

Amber Tresca 38:55  Seriously. There’s our outtake. Okay.

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